Joke of the Day

[Lawdog]

Got this from the local campus paper:

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A baseball bat

[jester]

Ed,
I can see how some of the jokes are not for kids to read and people should have a good warning before reading them. Would it be better to have another thread that is called "Read at your own Risk jokes"

Also can you make the Joke of the Day a sticky so it is always at the top?

[moombadaze]

As we come near the end of another year - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally confused about everything in the world now and have little chance of recovery.





I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.




I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel



bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.




I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).




Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.




I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.




I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.




I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.




THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.




Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.




I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.




I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.




I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.







Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Making me even more ugly than old age has already done.




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.




I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.




I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.




I no longer buy expensive cookies since I now have their recipe.




Thanks to You I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thanks for Your great advice on this - I can't ever pick up anything dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab my leg from underneath my car.




I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy from certain fuel companies!




I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid the Violin Spider will bite me and my hand will fall off.








If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p..m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.




Oh, by the way.




A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain capacity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the crapper.

[New Guy]

Ed didn't mean to cross a line I'll keep it clean next time.

[moombadaze]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.




The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.



Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.



He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...











"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in OHIO,and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

[K_E_N]

As a child, growing up in New Orleans, Peyton Manning would often dream of throwing the Superbowl winning, touchdown pass for the New Orleans Saints..............


Guess dreams really do come true.....................

[zabooda]

You gotta read this Craigslist listing. Why college when you can be a commedien.

http://kpr.craigslist.org/cto/1619578238.html

[kaneboats]

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day in Washington state.


Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."



We were just interpreting it wrong.

[rdlangston13]

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day in Washington state.


Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."







We were just interpreting it wrong.

now that's funny right there! i dont care who you are

[bergermaister]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it