Joke of the Day

[zabooda]

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to “Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

[kaneboats]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!


"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.


The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt..


His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.


"I'm dying here and you're putting?"


"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.


"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.


"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"


Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"


The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."


The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.


The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.


The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"


"Yes" says the woman.


"Did you hit him with that golf club?"


"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.


"How many times did you hit him?"


"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through..


Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.


As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"


The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.


She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"


He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[New Guy]

[kaneboats]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9h3NqMokmg

[kaneboats]

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
Laughayette!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
"The hot dogs were bad but the brats were wurst!"

What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
"Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

Teacher: Do you know where the Declaration of Independence was signed?
Student: Yea, at the bottom.

Teacher: "Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?"'
Student: "An eye doctor?"

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

Why did the duck say "Bang!"?
Because he was a firequacker!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

[kaneboats]

Rancher's Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire Light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[chawk610]

A pirate walks in to a pub and says, "Aye, I'll be havin'yer foinist Ale" The pub keep says, "Sure mate... but just one thing first, whats that ships steering wheel be doin' on ye mid section, it looks like it hurts?!" The pirate yells, " Arrrrgggghhhh, Aye... IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!!!"

[kaneboats]

Men want it all

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said .... "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve problems.

[rc5695]

that's funny kaneboats!

[kaneboats]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:

1.The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus or anyone who does.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt (#3, RIP).

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be solved by Monday.