Joke of the Day

[kaneboats]

Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated
skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or
alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and
ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and
never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family
thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[mikenehrkorn]

With the football season approaching I thought this was timely....

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

[kaneboats]

I've seen a lot of these "You know you are from . . . " or "You know you live in . . ." things and most of them are pretty stale but this one made me chuckle:

. . .
YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

[5:00]

A nonpartisan joke...


What is a government mandate?

It's when Obama and Biden go out to dinner.

[kaneboats]

OK, as long as we are going into the nonpartisan humor . . . you know every presidential couple gets to redecorate the whitehouse to their particular tastes. Have you seen the artist's rendition of the Trump whitehouse?











Trump whitehouse.jpg

[kaneboats]

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that's the one.”

“Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane?? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the --?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!”
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .A LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!”

[moombadaze]

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. " Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

[kaneboats]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter sighed and said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[5:00]

A guy was sitting in the back of a cab getting a ride to a bar. As they were approaching the bar the passenger in the back seat tapped the cab driver on the shoulder. Immediately the driver yelled, jumped up in his seat almost hitting his head on the roof while jerking the steering wheel to the right going up over a curb, just missing a bus stop and two parked cars coming to a rest inches from the building.

The guy in the back said "sorry I startled you, I didn't expect that reaction from just tapping you on the shoulder"!
The cab driver said "no, it's my fault, I've been driving a hearse for the last 10 years"!

[kaneboats]

Ugly Baby?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

We Don't Sell to Blondes
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back as a redhead and, again, told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. The next time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
“I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”
“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.