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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #211
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Clermont, Fl
    Posts
    586

    Default

    Being one who falls into the 60 and up age category, I do not find this funny.

    Well, ok sort of.

    I'll still challenge any of you "kids" to a 20 mile run (except for Yearround)

  2. #212
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default Thoughts For The Day

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes -- but we fail to realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

    2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

    3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

    4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

    AND

    5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit: A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  3. #213
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:

    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
    Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
    Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched.
    He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.
    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
    We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was $4 missing.
    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  4. #214
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    10

    Default

    Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

    CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

    Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

  5. #215
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Vancouver, WA
    Posts
    5,456

    Default

    Passed to me by coworker. From a movie?

    https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v...ages_video_set
    So when is this "old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?

    2001 MobiusV - Slightly Modified...

  6. #216
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default Lie Detector Robot

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
    The robot slaps the son.
    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
    Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
    The robot slaps the father.
    Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.


    Robot for sale on e-bay.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  7. #217
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default

    When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to
    go to Medical School.

    One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an
    important human body part which is most useful when erect.

    Those who answered spine are doctors today.

    The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  8. #218
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    3,062

    Default

    A sexual grievance - it's no small thing...

    Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He
    stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.



    After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

    She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the
    guy.

    The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    "It's Frank. The midget."

    2007 Moomba Outback - going, going, GONE
    2015 "NOT A MOOMBA"

    Why Not? Play Hard! Get wet

  9. #219
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Vancouver, WA
    Posts
    5,456

    Default

    A smart arse London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

    Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

    London Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

    London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

    London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

    Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
    So when is this "old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?

    2001 MobiusV - Slightly Modified...

  10. #220
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default

    There was a snail riding on the back of a turtle.
    The turtle approached an intersection from the north.
    Another turtle was approaching the same intersection from the west.
    The two turtles collided in the middle of the intersection.
    Each one blamed the other for the massive collision.
    The police were called to the scene and conducted an investigation.
    Realizing there was an eyewitness to the event, they decided to question the snail.
    The police asked him to explain what happened in his own words.
    The snail said, "I don't know officers -- it all happened so fast!"
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



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