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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #261
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    My Moomba Lives in Eagle River, WI - We Live in Chicago
    Posts
    225

    Default And Now, Some Attorney Jokes ....

    No hate for lawyers here - my wife is a practicing attorney - but these are too good not to share

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ______________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
    new attorney?
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
    to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
    did you attend?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________
    AND FINALLY:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.

  2. #262
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default

    THE WEDDING

    A father texts his son:

    "My Dear Son,
    Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

    My best love and good wishes.
    Your Father."

    His Son texts back:
    "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

    His Father replies:
    "I know."
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  3. #263

    Default

    Just plane nice

  4. #264
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    North Texas
    Posts
    2,844

    Default

    I like that one Kane, I was starting to worry you ran out!
    2006 Supra 20 - Sold
    2006 Supra 24 Gravity Games - Sold
    2015 Supra SE450 - Sold

  5. #265
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tallahassee, FL
    Posts
    14,071

    Default

    No worries! Gotta barrel of laughs out in the garage-- just need to open the tap.
    My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
    2008 LSV (sold)
    2000 Outback LS (sold)
    LLTR!!!!!!!!



  6. #266
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Vancouver, WA
    Posts
    5,456

    Default

    Thread revival due to absolute boredom...

    C8E3A0BD-46B3-4FDD-A289-F6C76713BEC3.jpg

    Plus testing phone upload
    So when is this "old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?

    2001 MobiusV - Slightly Modified...

  7. #267
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Knoxville TN
    Posts
    3,065

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bergermaister View Post
    Thread revival due to absolute boredom...

    C8E3A0BD-46B3-4FDD-A289-F6C76713BEC3.jpg

    Plus testing phone upload
    Multi-tasking - a laugh and upload.
    2018 Supra SL400

  8. #268
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    4,920

    Default

    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
    pulls back the covers.
    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
    very, closely:
    "Are - my - test - results - back?"”


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    2021 Supra SA 400
    2018 Supra SA 400 (SOLD)
    Michigan

  9. #269
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    Mn
    Posts
    705

    Default

    OMG Larry, almost peed myself. I'm bringing that joke to work tomorrow. I am in the healthcare field and overall things been pretty stressfull lately and mood has been pretty somber. This is the perfect Rx for raising peoples spirits. Sometimes you just gotta find reasons to make you laugh.
    2020 Supra SL 400
    2015 Moomba Mojo(Sold)
    2018 Yamaha Waverunner(Just to fool around)
    2018 F150 Lariat
    sport edition, 3.5lt ecoboost

  10. #270
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Henderson, NV
    Posts
    7,020

    Default

    Hope these make someone laugh. we started layoffs today at work and GF's work laid off 50% of their north american staff today. thankful we are both still working.....

    corona4.jpgcorona3.jpgcorona2.jpgcorona.jpg
    '06 Supra Launch 20SSV-gone but never forgotten

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