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Thread: Joke of the Day
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06-03-2017, 11:11 AM #261Banned
- Join Date
- Feb 2014
- Location
- My Moomba Lives in Eagle River, WI - We Live in Chicago
- Posts
- 225
And Now, Some Attorney Jokes ....
No hate for lawyers here - my wife is a practicing attorney - but these are too good not to share
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
______________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
AND FINALLY:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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07-27-2017, 11:59 AM #262
THE WEDDING
A father texts his son:
"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."
His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"
His Father replies:
"I know."My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2008 LSV (sold)
2000 Outback LS (sold)
LLTR!!!!!!!!
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07-28-2017, 12:32 PM #263
Just plane nice
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07-28-2017, 02:47 PM #264
I like that one Kane, I was starting to worry you ran out!
2006 Supra 20 - Sold
2006 Supra 24 Gravity Games - Sold
2015 Supra SE450 - Sold
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07-28-2017, 03:14 PM #265
No worries! Gotta barrel of laughs out in the garage-- just need to open the tap.
My Mom said I'm not allowed to get wet!
2008 LSV (sold)
2000 Outback LS (sold)
LLTR!!!!!!!!
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04-02-2020, 11:56 AM #266
Thread revival due to absolute boredom...
C8E3A0BD-46B3-4FDD-A289-F6C76713BEC3.jpg
Plus testing phone uploadSo when is this "old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?
2001 MobiusV - Slightly Modified...
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04-02-2020, 12:20 PM #267
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04-02-2020, 06:02 PM #268
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"”
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk2021 Supra SA 400
2018 Supra SA 400 (SOLD)
Michigan
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04-02-2020, 07:41 PM #269
OMG Larry, almost peed myself. I'm bringing that joke to work tomorrow. I am in the healthcare field and overall things been pretty stressfull lately and mood has been pretty somber. This is the perfect Rx for raising peoples spirits. Sometimes you just gotta find reasons to make you laugh.
2020 Supra SL 400
2015 Moomba Mojo(Sold)
2018 Yamaha Waverunner(Just to fool around)
2018 F150 Lariat
sport edition, 3.5lt ecoboost
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04-02-2020, 09:12 PM #270
Hope these make someone laugh. we started layoffs today at work and GF's work laid off 50% of their north american staff today. thankful we are both still working.....
corona4.jpgcorona3.jpgcorona2.jpgcorona.jpg'06 Supra Launch 20SSV-gone but never forgotten