Here's one anyway:

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.. What happened?? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg?? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook?? What happened to your hand?

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?
'Well, it was my first day with the hook'

Life is Good