Don't Drink too much this Thanksgiving :)
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.......
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status...
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes you are correct." "But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"
Teacher Arrested In New York
TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK –
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----
10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun
10. Do 'em naked.
9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.
8. Frequent use of the word "eleventeen."
7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!
6. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately."
5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!
4. Sneeze on forms.
3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes -- that always puts a smile on my face.
2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!
1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.
This is No Joke - But It Ends Up Being One
You gotta read this Craigslist listing. Why college when you can be a commedien.
http://kpr.craigslist.org/cto/1619578238.html
Happy St. Patrick's Day to All-- Here's One To Celebrate My Favorite Day
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.! We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment! , then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well...
It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking FOR LENT.
Get this thread revived a tad
Cowboy Chili
> A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming .
>
> He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
> starring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
> sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
> 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
>
> The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and, in his
> best cowboy manner, says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
>
>
>
> Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place,
> and starts spooning it in with delight.
>
> He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
> The sight was shocking, and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the
> bowl.
>
> The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'