Not really a joke but funny stuff nonetheless:
The Official Shotgun Rules
http://www.shotgunrules.com/pocket_r...ce_guide.shtml
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Not really a joke but funny stuff nonetheless:
The Official Shotgun Rules
http://www.shotgunrules.com/pocket_r...ce_guide.shtml
How do you keep a Tiger out of your front yard?
Make it an endzone!!!
burrrrnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!:dQuote:
Originally Posted by rdlangston13
.Quote:
Originally Posted by rdlangston13
nope, use a 9 iron and break the window out of his Escalade
Letter to a men's help line...
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??
Priorities are IMPORTANT! Zabooda
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jim! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Jim."He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks " Jim if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser"
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jim, and says "Hi Jim. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Jim's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Jim."..
How to figure out your Blues name:
https://forum.moomba.com/attachment....3&d=1328115522
I really wanted "Jailhouse Gumbo Dupree" but it didn't work out.
Jailhouse Fingers Jenkins
I'm Old Killer Lee.
I would love to be Hollerin Lips Rivers
"Ugly Fingers McGee" - sounds like some Scottish Criminal.
Hmmm - I'm thinking Big Pickles Johnson.
aka Sticky Dog Dupree
Skinny Foot Thompkins
I'm going to go with Happy Hips Johnson.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door..
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Ole is a farmer in Minnie-sota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for
non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches
under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow
farts.
Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out
however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy
the cow and takes it home.
When he gets back to Minnie-sota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says,
'Hey, Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and
see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't
yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he had not told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'
Open the link and then click on the "Get Started" button.
http://www.google.com/onceuponatime/tisp/
A couple were celebrating 50 years together..
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean
we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
After he stops running move the cursor arrow to just above his head and see what happens. Funny.
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html
Texas hunting laws
A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country when an illegal alien runs across the field.
The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.
"No, no, it's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.
Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in
Texas !" protests the Coloradan.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
yeah, but who's counting?
http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k...d/f826f3c5.jpg
^^^^^^ bahhh haaaa haaaaa!
2 Polish Moose Hunters....
Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big bull moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.
The hunters strongly objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Yanush and Stashek survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Yanush asked Stashek, "'Any idea where we are?"
Stashek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
Wow the above is Turkish. Welcome our fellow Turkey member. :confused:
That is hilarious.Quote:
Originally Posted by bergermaister
Been around, but a funny read on a boring day...
The following is (supposedly) an actual question given on a
Louisiana State University chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…...leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Not to be a kill-joy - my wife laughed at this and this is a feat unto itself - but here:
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!
Sunday Quickie
A couple who lived in a very small high rise apartment knew
that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their
8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Politically correct or not it is still funny.Attachment 14671
Love it. Very funny!
Just came across this again and bought I would share it, makes me laugh. If I crossed the appropriate line I understand.
http://i258.photobucket.com/albums/h...loonsmp4-1.jpg
That was greatQuote:
Originally Posted by jmvotto
Freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we
take part of the brain out of a person;
we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we
take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us....in the USA , about 4 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now.......
the whole country is looking for work.
Here's how it goes:
https://forum.moomba.com/attachment....7&d=1346475283
A biker is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg.
Curiosity finally gets to the biker, he grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?”
The farmer glares at the biker and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!”
The biker is in awe.
“Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty, out yonder. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me snout-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig, this here one, saved my life.”
The biker was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”