Joke of the Day

Born a Lutheran

Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton , and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye pike."

A Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then... proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kaneboats

A Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then... proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

---

ROFL. that's hilarious. not sure about anyone on this board but I can't find anyone who voted for that guy. i dont even know how he got elected!

Look, it's a joke. Please keep the political commentary on the political boards. Thanks!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

hahahahahaha. i stole the blonde one for a facebook status

a little prunning just happened here-fyi. keep the good clean jokes coming

Mod squad

Seriously? I didn't use any bad words. nothing worse then i have seen posted by another moderator.

If its content then i can understand but then id like to see more of the same prunning done with other posts.

This has been coming for a while; it has nothing to do with who posted. Note to all for the future-- raunchy stuff will be pruned. This remains a family oriented site. You have the whole internet to use for the other stuff.

A young boy once asked his grandfather "What would I be born if I was not born a Texan?"

The grandfather shook his head a sighed as he replied "Ashamed."

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


* * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub o'course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile..

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Subject: Safety Memo

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut

off all ten of his finkers.


He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky

doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll

see vhat I can do."


Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."


"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2011

and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I

could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da

finkers?"


Ole says.........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up ?

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin’ like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

A song on bob and tom i've heard before but funny nonetheless:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhhkF3dqXR0

A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by zabooda

A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

---

^^^^ Now this is soo true. I have done the same thing.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?


Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to “Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!


"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.


The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt..


His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.


"I'm dying here and you're putting?"


"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.


"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.


"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"


Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"


The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."


The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.


The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but when we pray in my church, we keep our head down."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.


The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"


"Yes" says the woman.


"Did you hit him with that golf club?"


"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.


"How many times did you hit him?"


"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through..


Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.


As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"


The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.


She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"


He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

http://i.imgur.com/9dWOe.gif
http://i.imgur.com/aE7mq.gif

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9h3NqMokmg

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
Laughayette!

"How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
"The hot dogs were bad but the brats were wurst!"

What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
"Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

Teacher: Do you know where the Declaration of Independence was signed?
Student: Yea, at the bottom.

Teacher: "Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?"'
Student: "An eye doctor?"

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

Why did the duck say "Bang!"?
Because he was a firequacker!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

Rancher's Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
Drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my Boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my Socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her Boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire Light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A pirate walks in to a pub and says, "Aye, I'll be havin'yer foinist Ale" The pub keep says, "Sure mate... but just one thing first, whats that ships steering wheel be doin' on ye mid section, it looks like it hurts?!" The pirate yells, " Arrrrgggghhhh, Aye... IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!!!"

Men want it all

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said .... "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve problems.

that's funny kaneboats!

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists:

1.The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus or anyone who does.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt (#3, RIP).

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be solved by Monday.

Mystery solved!

Attachment 12336

"The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke" A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

I think I know that guy.

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in
Rochester for a check-up
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to fish says the old
guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing
that, I'm out fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with
and fished with me this morning. '

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when
he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfathers' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
fishing with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

The Easy Way:

Attachment 12840


They do have a point!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all
the world to see.He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat
blurts out....

"Ah Hell!... My girlfriend's gone, too!!

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us.

I told my friend "That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-$hit!

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been suffering in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just joking with you. She's dead.....
What'd you shoot?"

>>>>>God Loves Drunk People Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..