Joke of the Day

[kaneboats]

In honor of the Open Championship starting today-- another Kane golf joke:

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

[kaneboats]

A circus owner ran an ad for an “amateur lion tamer with creative approaches” and two people show up.

One was an aging wakesurfer guy in his late 60's and the other was a gorgeous woman in her mid-20's.
The circus owner warned them, “Be careful in there – this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good and creative or you’re likely to be lunch too. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try their luck first?”
The woman said, “I’ll go first.”

She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw dropped on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the old wakesurfer and asks, “Can you do that?”

The tough old bloke replies without hesitation, “No problem, just get that lion out of there first!”

[kaneboats]

Been a while. Time for a golf joke of the day as boating season winds down in the south and golfing season picks up.

A golfer came home from golfing one day. His wife had left a note on the fridge.
“It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore!” she wrote. “Gone to stay with my mother.”
He opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
He said to himself, “What the hell is she talking about?”



https://forum.moomba.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=25080&d=1476807491



25080

[zabooda]

...and here they come.

News Update from Canada

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?" Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is demanding the United States pay for the wall to keep the "Free Loaders Out!"

[russellsmojo]

[emoji24][emoji24][emoji24]


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[deerfield]

..."If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said. "


Myron Floren. Was watching him just the other night. And I'm clingin' to my guns and religion.

[kaneboats]

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day,

the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news,

the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked,

“What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and

made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

[kaneboats]

A couple enjoyed a beautiful wedding day filled with family, friends and fun.
Following the reception, the two were whisked off to the airport and flew to a romantic locale where they enjoyed each other’s company for a week.
On the plane ride home from the honeymoon, the new wife tapped her new husband on the shoulder and said, “I think it’s time for you to stop taking your boat out on the lake-- wakeboarding, wakesurfing-- all of it-- and sell your Moomba.”
The husband, befuddled, replied, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
Taken aback, the new bride asked, “I thought you said you haven’t been married before?”
The husband’s reply was succinct. “I haven’t.”

[kaneboats]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

[kaneboats]

No! Not another golf joke?

Oh yes, my friend. Enjoy!

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the pretty girls there.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”

At age 70 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”
:o

[North Woods Mobius]

No hate for lawyers here - my wife is a practicing attorney - but these are too good not to share :cool:

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
AND FINALLY:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[kaneboats]

THE WEDDING

A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son,
Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:
"I know."

[web]

Just plane nice

[dusty2221]

I like that one Kane, I was starting to worry you ran out!

[kaneboats]

No worries! Gotta barrel of laughs out in the garage-- just need to open the tap.

[bergermaister]

Thread revival due to absolute boredom...

28415

Plus testing phone upload

[MJHSupra]

Thread revival due to absolute boredom...

28415

Plus testing phone upload

Multi-tasking - a laugh and upload.

[larry_arizona]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"” [emoji38]


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[Isaguel]

OMG Larry, almost peed myself. I'm bringing that joke to work tomorrow. I am in the healthcare field and overall things been pretty stressfull lately and mood has been pretty somber. This is the perfect Rx for raising peoples spirits. Sometimes you just gotta find reasons to make you laugh.

[sandm]

Hope these make someone laugh. we started layoffs today at work and GF's work laid off 50% of their north american staff today. thankful we are both still working.....

28420284192841828417

[bergermaister]

Good stuff right there! Thanks, that was very much needed.

[bergermaister]

https://i.imgflip.com/3sc8yk.jpg